Broken

I'm really struggling today, so I thought I'd try and write it out. You see, yesterday I had a relatively good day as I attended the annual Mental Health Wellbeing Show in Cardiff where I shared a stand with the Jacob Abraham Foundation who fund my Co-alc role. I always enjoy these awareness days, being out amongst the folk - spreading the word and talking to people who really connect to what we're doing. It's also a great opportunity to catch up with friends I've made over the years in the mental health community - yes this really feels like home to me when I go. Catching up with my peers within the sector, I've met so many people over the years so it's become a kind of social event as well as a chance to spread the awareness around the the cocaethylene issues.

I'd spent the previous few weeks on the build up to this event by curating, designing and having printed a four page newsletter so that we could hand them out at this show and also promote our forthcoming planned conference.

Me with Nicola Abraham and Amanda from JAF

My attendance is not without it's challenges, as I struggle to walk at all these days and yet try to power through the pain and fatigue, dosing up to the nines, and of course, dragging with me the suitcase full of resouces (newsletters, leaflets, handout cards and other promo materials) along with multiple roller banners. I do enjoy events like these but it can be very draining after talking to people about suicide to many people, and remembering to take their details down to follow up after the event.

So today, of course, I'm paying the price. I'm completely and utterly mentally and physically overwhelmed and can hardly move. Every movement is so fucking painful - my back, my hips, my legs, my shoulders, there's nothing that feels comfy. I'm seated now at my computer and could do with a cuppa but it's so much effort and pain to get up and move, but it's 1.41pm and not even eaten today yet. <<remembers the kippers that need eating and goes off and sorts self out>>

Right, that's better, got a cuppa too and shared some kippers with Ollie - at least he's happy for now!

I had quite a meltdown earlier, I just couldn't stop sobbing, you see I'm waiting to hear about a funding bid I made a couple of weeks ago and not heard anything yet. Also I was offered some funding from another source which doesn't look as if it's happening and what this actually means is that now my creative software and Microsoft subscriptions have run out and I can no longer create anything. I've also run out of my See Say Signpost leaflets and I don't know how I'm going to find the funds to run this bloody conference I've arranged in July. And yet I'm determined that we need to do this.

I created the Co-alc Alliance back in January 2021, and this year it's really taken shape, we've now partnered with the University of South Wales Addictions Research Department who are going to do a do a scoping out research paper around Cocaetheylene linked suicides and after my dreamy break at Charlotte's retreat, I decided to create a website to show what Co-alc was all about. It hadn't been up two days at the end of March, before a family from Lancashire got in touch to say that this is what they think happened to their son and I introduced them to our other two mums. They came to meet us in Cardiff last month and it was really emotional as they were relieved to have found the answers as to why their fun-loving son had suddenly ended his 26 year old life. It was - no is - completely heartbreaking to hear another family going through this nightmare.

(L2R) Nic A, Nic S, Me, Nadine and Mandy

So, Mandy and Nadine agreed that their Gingerheart Foundation would join the Alliance as the third member and we had discussed our goals and to putting on a conference to showcase our findings as they had redone our survey in their area and had similar results to our initial survey. This couldn't be a coincidence - and yet still the relevant policy makers were underplaying our narrative. We had to somehow find a way to present their stories and bring together our current allies. However, if we don't get the funding I'm not sure how we're going to pull this thing together. So here I am feeling battered and broken from yesterday, feeling like I've bit off a bit more than I could chew.

In the middle of all this, I've also booked tickets to go to another festival at the end of this month with my friend Jas who's agreed to be my carer for the weekend. It's up in Derbyshire somewhere and I haven't even bought my tent yet and I'm already stressing about whether I've made another foolish mistake about wanting to go. All to see my faves the Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican play. The festival itself is called Bearded Theory and is meant to be really good, a bit similar to the Beautiful Days one I went to a few years ago, but of course this clashes with my 'love life' as my awkward bf is already showing signs of conflict about me going. Of course this is probably why I'm having another downer - on one hand I don't want to rock the boat with him, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding booking things I usually enjoy. But will I enjoy it if I'm in such pain and discomfort? Arghhhh - why do I do these things to myself? God only knows!!