Hung Up

Tick tock tick tock tick tock........time goes by so slowly as the song goes, but actually it really goes too fast in some ways. I can't believe almost another year since my last blog post!

I have been writing behind the scenes from time to time, usually as notes on my phone so I could cut and paste bits on here but actually, as my mind ebbs and flows, sometimes it's better to let the words flow organically on to the page.

I don't even know what I've got to say really, except I'm coming out of another meltdown period and feel like explaining myself a bit - I don't really know to whom or or why or even if there's anyone that bloody interested. I mean we're all just trying to get on with our lives really, best we can. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens - the rollercoaster of life...

Since last year a lot has happened and yet not much has changed either. The permitted work I do has escalated even though I’ve been trying to cut back a lot particularly around the co-alc stuff. After a meeting we had with the head honcho of all things Suicide in Wales last April it felt like I couldn’t really do much more for the cause but sadly more deaths and more contacts mean that this rolling stone continues to grow whether we want it to or not. So it was decided around the summer that we would look at turning the alliance into a proper charity and we’d look at getting someone in to manage the project full time, someone with a suitable background that could lead and take the organisation forward in ways that I couldn’t.

Personally, I had also been looking into me doing a degree and found that if I did an Open Degree with the Open University I could just pick one module at a time and work my way through at pretty much my own pace. This seemed to tick a lot of boxes for me as I now had an ADHD diagnosis and needed something that could work with the chaos that comes with it. It’s been an ambition of mine to further my education with a degree for a lot of my adult life. I remember receiving an OU prospectus when I was about 26 living in Doncaster with my then husband but having looked into environmental studies the maths based foundation course I had to do first was enough for me to change my mind at the time!

I had tried in 2011 and I think have documented elsewhere the fiasco of not being eligible for funding that time, so I was super pleased when I reapplied and was eligible as it would be my first degree. I had hoped to start in September and stop the permitted work but as I got to July I knew I wasn’t ready and agreed to commence on February 2025. And here I am, on my fourth week of my first module which I’m trying to keep up with, alongside the permitted work and voluntary work and everything else I can’t say no to! So no, I’m not as liberal with my time as I’d hoped but on some ways that’s working better for me at the moment as I seem to thrive on stress. The more free time I have the lazier I get - I believe the terminology is called Dopamine Mining! I think I’m that used to being on the go that the more I have to do the more I enjoy the pace! Until I crash that is.

It’s weird really, I go from days where I can’t get out of bed or do the most basic tasks to going 100mph and trying to do everything at once. It’s exhausting and brilliant and tiring as fook! I think I’ve mentioned previously about the elusive balance I strive for and despite me making schedules and lists galore it’s still a challenge to stick to any sort of regularity. My sleep is all over the place, some nights I try going to bed earlier so I can settle earlier but still awake till 3,4,5 in the morning, mind whirring yet exhausted and then the night sweats till the dawn chorus, so then I’m trying to catch up in the day or if forced to get up early, I end up feeling manic and get then too exhausted to sleep again. I was enjoying the gym mentally more than physically, but I’ve not been for weeks, and me trying to do intermittent fasting and failing at that miserably has left me hangry and back to binging episodes which is the last thing I need on top of everything else.

When I share some of this minutia with well meaning friends I don’t think they really understand how debilitated I really am with my mental and physical health. I’m constantly in a lot of pain so even moving around the flat and trying to do basic housework or trying to go out to the gym means me dosing up with painkillers enough so that I can function - when they wear off I’m then left in agony - usually at night if I’ve had an active day. So then it’s a real effort to keep getting myself in a pain free situation. If I work at my desk and have taken concerta (for adhd) I then go into hyperfocus where I forget to eat or even go to the loo or take any pain meds, so it’s this constant push and pull, up and down, pain or focus, energy or lethargy.

As I write this I’ve literally not been out of the flat properly for nearly two weeks, so my mental state has deteriorated especially as I’ve had another argy-bargy with someone and replaying the entire episode over and over and dwelling on self blame. I’ve not been able to afford to see my private counsellor since before Christmas and I’m well overdue a good session so it’s all relative I guess. I probably won’t have time now for a couple of weeks as I’ve got a busy week coming up - all or nothing yet again.

Pasc helping me study!

At 57 you’d think I’d have this all worked out - and yet honestly it’s the first time in my adult life I’ve actually not been involved relationship or looking for one. Part of me is relieved and happy to have this complete independence in my life but I’m also extremely isolated. Although I have an adult teen who showers, shits and sleeps here I don’t really have any proper contact unless he needs a sub or run out of pants! Of course I have my newish love the very cuddly Pascal the Prince of Pentre who is my emotional support buddy and his infrequently visiting step-brother Frodo but in the darker moments it’s then that it hits me that the only family I now have left is my sister (and niece) and my nephew both over 250 miles away in different directions. A long way to go for a reassuring hug like the ones my mam used to give out. Hey ho it could be worse, in fact when I write like this I realise how lucky I am. I do have good friends and a lot of lovely people in my life that I’m truly grateful for and some I’ve been really glad to see the back of!! Yes, I’ve officially hit that mad cat lady stage of my life and actually I’ve not really got much spare time these days for frivolous romance. It’s so bloody disappointing in the end anyway. No, I’m much happier burying my head in my books and looking forward to the rewards that will bring - real self-esteem and pride from the inside.