Something to Remember

A day in the life of ….

It’s was 5.15pm on Sunday afternoon when I finally sat down for the first meal of my day.

Two pork chops and two hopeful eyes watching!

Breakfast had been bypassed again as I had slept late given I couldn’t get off to sleep till the hours again. I think it was about 4am when I last looked at my iPhone clock. I went to bed at about 10.30pm with all good intentions of trying to settle. As usual, my brain was overflowing with noise, ideas, conversations, memories, must dos, cuddles with Pasc, songs replaying, itching my foot,  to-dos, fancy a Curly Wurly, just one more round of Rummikub…. on and on and on ….. you get the drift? I’ve never been one for losing sleep but the last 10 years or so, I have been on this nightly treadmill, whether due to (peri-) menopause, ADHD, relentless  pain or any-other reason, god only knows, but this is a regular and very draining ongoing situation. So, yeah, I tend to sleep till at least noon to compensate. I try to aim for 6-8 hours but this varies depending on anything from some random buzzing my door to be let in (I live in a block of flats) or a morning appointment with someone.

Anyway, I digress, and that’s WITH the ADHD medication 😂

As I finally sat down to eat my breakfast/dinner/tea, I had all the windows open and the fan trying to disperse the thick blue smoke that came from almost burning the oil for making the gravy that set off all the smoke alarms in the flat. Poor Pasc ran for cover underneath the sofa while I tried to work out how to switch off the deafening squeals from the two very operational alarms. At least they work, which is heartening to know after recent power surge earlier this year knocked out the fire alarms.

During all this chaos, that led to this moment, I looked around at all the mess and distractions surrounding me. There were empty packets of prepared vegetables of varying sell-by dates that had died in my fridge. I was making a concerted effort to make my fridge less toxic before I go away for a few days and it is bin day today. Thankfully, I had some frozen veg I could throw in the microwave there was nothing salvageable in the fridge packets sadly. At the time the alarms went off I was halfway through a What’s App work-related message I was spontaneously replying to, which I’ve still not finished or sent (now almost 2 hours ago). I’d completely forgotten I’d started to make the gravy for my pork chop dinner, that I was very much looking forward to. You see, I’d forgotten I even had them in my freezer and the last time I made myself pork chops I’d left them too long in the fridge and they weren’t that nice - I’d also remembered I had some new potatoes in the cupboard I’d bought on my last delivery order. Thankfully they hadn’t seeded yet despite another sell-by date passing.

Yes, for the first time in over a week I’d managed to make myself a half tidy plate of edible food, albeit saved by the pesky smoke alarm. If you’re reading this you’re probably wondering what the point of this post is, and it is to demonstrate that today is one of my better days. In between all this I’ve also sorted a load of washing and started preparing a few other things for an upcoming trip next week. I had intended to do something work emails too but as the evening draws on and the Concerta XL I took earlier wears off that task will probably be left another day now as I enter into the comedown crash that happens with as the methylphenidate wears off.

Since being diagnosed with ADHD at the end of 2019, I’ve not really had that much support from the psychiatrists that diagnosed me apart from issuing medication. I’ve asked several times about support groups etc, but there seems to be nothing available in our health board area, so I do what I can to learn more about how this so-called disorder affects me. Not just now, but all the unknowing years of all the unhealthy coping mechanisms and masking I’ve created and which I am now I’m trying to unravel. It’s a near on impossible task with so many ‘t’isms’ at play and it’s exhausting.

During one of the many visits I've had to mental health professionals

I’m now coming to the realisation that one of the biggest hurdles I have personally is around my eating habits, weight and skewed body image. I’ve blogged previously about some of the self-exploration I’ve done around these issues. I’ve tried numerous diets and exercise regimes, even currently back on the slimming world merry go round with while forking out for a monthly subscription to a gym I’ve not ‘had time’ to visit in the last 2 months.

In truth, I feel like a failure because I seem to find every excuse under the sun not to do what I’m ‘supposed’ to do to achieve the ultimate goal of losing weight. And yes I NEED to lose to weight for several reasons but primarily for my mobility. Currently, I am carrying over 16 stones on my broken knees and am not eligible to have them operated on until my BMI is sufficiently reduced. Every time I try to exercise, albeit gently, I end up in agony, and usually not being able to sleep for the severe pain that flares up. It’s a catch 22 is it not? And then there’s disordered eating patterns that now I’m realising is almost impossible to regulate. Today is a good day remember - a rare one where I actually managed to cook a proper meal even though I freaked out my nervy Persian with the smoke alarms! Most days I forget to eat until I’m starving hungry and then I’m not eating what I should or when I should. And this isn’t just a poor excuse I’ve made up - I’ve finally realised that no matter how hard I try (and I really have) to regulate myself, to control just one small area of my life it feels like I’m swimming uphill against the current. So what are my options?

Read more here... https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/adhd

I’m very nervous of aligning my beliefs with psychiatric theories given I’ve collected so many ‘on trend’ diagnoses over the years but one cannot continue to deny the some of the reported symptoms of co-occurring problems I’ve had around my eating habits sound very familiar and have been problematic for as long as I can remember. This isn’t a figment of my imagination - this is a real thing and I’m not sure what the answer is but I wont be giving up myself any time soon. Understanding the nature of the beast is necessary to conquering it!

I think I'm going to need more than a bit luck...