I've been quite lost for a while now - it didn't happen all at once, I just kinda lost a bit here, lost more there. You'll probably find that you have little chunks of me that I freely gave away along the way, good bits I hope, although I know some are not so good but still nevertheless are no longer with me. I'm not sure if you're following me yet, but I just saw this on the book of Face a few minutes ago and had to screenshot it as it completely relates to my current state of mind that I'm attempting to waffle about...
Do you get it now? BTW: I love Donna Ashworth's word's at the moment - everything she seems to post these days seems to resonate - anyway - I digress...
So yeah, that's kinda where my head is right now, but with a more serious issue in focus which is the sad state of my current physical health. For anyone that's followed my crazy life for some time, you may know that last year I embarked on a similar self-serving mission where I started exploring a self-love journey that actually got me in a swimming costume and posting a sea dip on my socials when I was out in the Isle of Man sorting my brother's estate mess out in June 2021. When I came back home, I had a renewed sense of purpose to get myself fitter again, but within a week of getting back I ended up with food poisoning that flared up into a full blown Colitis episode. I was also without a hot water as my former landlord, who's a plumber by trade, took over 7 weeks of messing me around before he begrudgingly had no option other than to put in a new boiler after the previous one finally gave up the ghost. A few other things happened at home that caused me more anxiety (another post for a another day!), so I was feeling pretty low and had my guard down when I crossed paths again with my ex around our birthdays last December. I'll save the details of this torrid affair for another day, but just to say that it wasn't the healthiest of relationships that started again, much to the despair of my closest friends, although he was a god-send during my big move in April.
It's been a huge relief to me in many ways, but I've had to revisit why I would continue to repeat the same behaviours and expect different results. There's a part of him that I've always found to be completely addictive and on reflection I know that for many many years there's been unresolved trauma that pretty much started after my dad died in 1980, that has been significantly added to, and become more complex, not least by my own responsive behaviours including the eating disorders and self loathing. These are hugely deep rooted and have taken me a lifetime of trying to understand and unravel the psychological impact this has all had on me over the years, but thanks to re-reading some of my previous writings (some unpublished), and watching the great Gabor Maté's Wisdom of Trauma, I'm now at a stage where I feel it's the right time to pick back up where I left off in the Isle of Man last year, but now with a better support system in place.
Am I finally taking my own advice that I proffer to everyone else and their dog like I'm some sort of friggin guru? Oh yeah, I can talk the talk to every fecker else, and yet if I actually owned a full length mirror and looked in it, I can barely recognise the person reflected. This chronically obese, mobility restricted (disabled?), lonely, self-isolated woman, who's already planned her funeral and sorted her finances out just in case, two months of turning 55 years of age. I was actually sorting through the paperwork the other day and found this...
In the red box is the QRISK® algorithm that calculates a person's risk of developing a heart attack or stroke over the next 10 years. It was assessed from various tests I took back in November 2019 before the lockdowns. I believe the effects of the last 3 years have significantly increased that risk given my weight increase, virtually non-existent mobility and breathlessness which I feel is the effects of my current sedentary state. I should mention here that my lovely late brother Eric who died in 2008, aged 52 - was grossly obese when he was taken into hospital (after the ambulance had to take him out of the front window) with complications in his bowel and then unfortunately his heart gave way when they tried to operate. He was chronically depressed for many years and amongst his extreme hoarding, he had pretty much eaten himself to death, and I saw first hand that he had totally given up on himself years before.
I think I almost had too. Almost - not quite though - there's still a spark of me in here and actually I have things I really want to do. Apart from 'work' that is. I know I love the work I've been doing over the last few years and now officially for the Co-alc Alliance, but me engulfing myself in work to the exclusion of caring for my own needs has to stop. Yes, I can still enjoy work but I need to find the balance - a healthier one that might actually keep me going a bit longer and achieve some of the things I have on my bucket list. And if I don't do it soon, I might not get another chance - hell, hasn't there been enough funerals this year?
So, I am now investing in what ever future I have left and try and make it a bit more Maggy-like. You remember the old Mags don't you? Free-spirited, fun-loving and the social butterfly that spins like a top when ever the music plays - first one up on the dance floor shaking those moves - not in a bloody mobility scooter FFS - I have stuff to do, places to visit, people to entertain, gangs to join and way more people to piss off.... now then, how does this Apple Watch work? One step at a time is it?
Maggy version 5.4 rebooting ....